It was Vyakhya’s big day at daycare. Her mother Shruti was ecstatic as her daughter was going to be on the stage for the first time. They both had been rehearsing the poem and associated actions for weeks now. She got her the prettiest fairy costume , wings, tiara and a wand!! Vyakhya was on cloud nine seeing her dress! “Woooowwwww, mumma!!” the 3 year old exclaimed.
As the mother- daughter duo reached the venue, Shruti didn’t forget to carry a handy-cam. It was her daughter’s first performance and she wanted to save it forever.
The hall was jam-packed and bustling with other toddlers and their parents. As the show began, and Vyakhya’s turn came, Shruti stood on her chair, fixing the perfect angle to record.
Vyakhya went on the stage and began to sing when………….she suddenly forgot her lines. She was fumbling. Shruti tried to prompt her from the audience but, within a jiffy, the little girl burst into tears.
Shruti ran to the stage and tried to calm her girl down. Then the mother-daughter duo started to sing together. In the comfort of her mother’s immediate presence, Vyakhya remembered the lines somehow.
As they both finished performing, there was a roar and thunderous applause from the audience.
By 7 to 8 months of age, babies form strong attachments to their parents or caregivers. So much so that any ‘foreign’ person’s presence in the room can invoke a sense of fear and anxiety of strangers for kids. Separation from their ‘special people’, even for short periods of time, can cause considerable anxiety and plenty of crying. It takes some time for infants to come out of this phase.
As for toddlers aged around three years, they are just at the start point of knowing and dealing with strong emotions. They can have anxieties associated with going to newer places like a daycare, around new faces, trying something new like a costume or a sport or they may be overwhelmed by powerful emotions and irrational fears, such as falling down the plughole or toilet.
It is quite normal for infants & toddlers (0-3 years) to struggle and fear venturing into something they haven’t done before. They struggle with these HUGE emotions that make them freeze in the moment or break down into a meltdown to end all meltdowns. This can happen on stage, at family functions, in the presence of new faces or anytime when they feel out of their comfort zone
Having anxiety and needing a little extra “push” in social situations is actually a sensory need that almost all kids have and go through, even if it is just in phases.
So how can parents help?
Ways to help your baby/toddler deal with anxiety
Age 0-2:
- Smooth transitions (to calm separation anxiety): While taking care of him at home, when you have to get out of his sight, try to take him along or keep the talks on from the other room. This way he knows you are ‘around’ even if not the same room. You can also try talking to him using gestures like “Mumma is going out and will be back in a moment at superfast speed” Announce your arrival once you are back. “Look! Mumma is here!!” This makes them trust you and not panic with anxiety.
- From the lap (for tackling social anxiety): When there are people at home and your baby won’t stop crying seeing the new faces, make him sit in your lap and hold him tight. Introduce him to new people from the safety of your lap. Let them grasp that you know the new person and it is okay to make friends. However, do not push your child if he doesn’t reciprocate. If he is still anxious, try reassuring him by taking him back to his room and sitting with him for some time. Leaving your baby to ‘cry it out’ will only make his anxiety worse.
- Try playing games or use photos: Games like hide and seek can help your child practice times when he is separated from you while you hide. Repetition of such games over and over can get him accustomed to not cry with anxiety if he doesn’t see you. He knows you are hiding and he will find you out eventually. Also, some parents show photographs of people visiting their homes to the baby prior to the meeting to prepare them in advance. “Look, he is Uncle Ram in the photo, he loves you and will get you chocolates tomorrow when he comes. You can make friends with and not cry. Ok, honey?”
Age 2-3:
- Communication: Since by the age of 3 most toddlers have begun speaking, communication is paramount in dealing with anxieties. It can be two-way communication where as a parent you answer questions, calm fears, and help your child understand the environment they are going into, it can also be very one-sided. Understand that talking to your kid before big events that might otherwise be intimidating, like going to a crowded place like Vyakhya above or anywhere that she could have a potential sensory overload is a good idea. Talk about the inevitable situational changes to help her take ownership like when confronted with things like adapting to new siblings or confronting extended family at parties. You can set up trigger words that act as the ‘code words’ to calm the child down. E.g. “Go play along”. So when she is faced with a sibling party at home, you prep her by talking about playing along in advance. And when the situation comes, you can say, “Look, there are your siblings and it’s time to play along.” Though the separation anxiety and hesitation will be there initially but after you walk her around and show her that the kids are nothing but friends and she should ‘play along’, she would eventually enjoy her time there with no problems. Kids need to feel validated and not undermined. Saying something like “we will make it through this” is a much better option because it indicates they are not alone and their needs are being addressed.
- Patience: Be patient with your toddler’s fears like falling down the toilet because young children don’t yet understand about size and space. Don’t force the child to confront their object of fear at this age, because this may make things worse. Help them to get used to it slowly. Accept that you may have to help your child avoid the feared object for a while. Somedays, you’ll even have to be patient with their intense social anxieties or anxieties whose existence was never known to you before. Try to understand the why behind the anxiety. Maybe the child is in a clingy phase or spooked by something or uneasy with a task or is getting bullied. Be patient to figure it out and then act
- Be proactive: Whether it is using the photograph suggestion we gave you above or maybe preparing a ‘rescue kit’ consisting of everything that your child might need in your absence (blocks, colours, your photographs, music/video tapes or illustration books), be proactive and keep such stuff handy when you are going out for some work and leaving your toddler with your partner or some relative. This will prevent them from having separation anxiety. Also, try not to leave for anywhere in front of them. See when they are most indulged in some other activity and that’s the time for you to sneak out and get the job done without a burst of cry or anxiety.
- Don’t be pushy: It is okay if your child is retreating at family functions. It is normal if she doesn’t want to be touched, talked to, or bothered… especially not before she has warmed up to each person. Let her choose what she wants and don’t be pushy. Let her set her own boundary. The affection for your child by others doesn’t necessarily have to have kissing or hugging involved. Let her be close to you if she wishes and don’t force her to ‘hello’ everyone if she isn’t willing. Let her take her own course and time to bond.
Hope it helps! We have got some more handy tips for dealing with preschooler (age 3-5) anxiety for you with our blog From social bee to let me be?- Ways to cope up with anxiety for preschoolers Have a look