Ananya was always the cute baby who would please everyone with her playful antics right from the age of 2 when she started babbling and eventually leant to speak. She would rarely cry, easily pass on from one lap to the other, would even pass smile to complete strangers! By the time she turned 3, she would recite her newly learnt poems and numbers in her cute stutters to everyone at family get-togethers. She was anticipated to become ‘a social butterfly’ as a grown up as she spoke so candidly from such a tender age. However, things changed as she turned 5.
Ananya became more reserved and avoided talking to most people at family gatherings. She got caught up with stage anxiety, stranger anxiety and became hesitant to come up as candidly as she used to in her toddler years. At times, her mother used to get a little frustrated and embarrassed by her behaviour especially in front of people at family events or birthday parties as she would cling to her leg or hide behind her. She tried pushing her to get out there but the more she pushed, the more she stayed put.
What had happened to Ananya in her preschooler days? Her mother often wondered and feared for her confidence levels.
All kids go through phases of needing a little extra help and a little more love to carry them through changes in their lives and anxieties they face. In our previous blog For the butterflies in stomach: Ways to help your infants/toddler cope up with anxiety we elucidated ways in which babies and toddlers can cope up with anxieties with the help of their parents. Today, we will talk of some more ways for the age group of 3-5.
For this age group, as children are exploring the world around them, their fears or anxieties may be real or imaginary. Common fears and causes of anxiety include fear of the dark, height, fights between parents or presence of supernatural beings (such as ghosts and monsters).
Ways to help your preschooler (aged 3-5) to cope up with anxiety
- Understand and accept first to show them the way out: It is very important for parents to not project their opinions on the kids. Don’t say “Oh god, there is no ghost for god’s sake. Just sleep.” You need to comfort the child. By saying this, we don’t mean for you to foster their unrealistic ideas but to make them understand later, you have to calm them down first. Understand that your child’s behaviour isn’t a chosen one, he isn’t behaving this way to annoy you. We all respond to situations differently. When we enter a situation that feels stressful and triggers our anxiety, the body enters what’s known as the flight or fight response. Stress hormones are released into the body preparing the body to either fight the threat or run away from it. The pounding heart, or tummy butterfly feeling when a situation is overwhelming is too much for preschoolers and they need you to understand this and not retaliate. Dr Laura Markham, a clinical psychologist and author of Calm Parents, Happy Kids, believes that one of the core responsibilities of a mindful parent is the ability to manage your own emotions first. Give your child the realistic information about death, ghosts and be open to their questions after you calm their anxieties patiently. Let them know you take their anxieties seriously.
Also, for the example of social anxiety in the beginning, know that some children are naturally more inclined to hold back while others charge in. This is neither good nor bad, it’s simply a part of their choice. In some situations, his/her more cautious approach may be of benefit. He/she doesn’t have to be the ‘life of a party’ if he doesn’t want it at that time.
- Prepare them slowly: Take baby steps in helping your child face anxieties as they grow up. For a 5-6 year old scared of dogs, you can begin with pictures or cartoons. “Scooby Doo is a dog, look how harmless he is” Try crossing the road with them holding their hand even if a dog is there. Make them know you are there yet they need to face their anxieties and conquer them as they grow up.
To avoid socially awkward situations, talk to your child a few times about what is going to happen, who is going to be there and what you’ll get into when you’re at this event. This helps your child to create a mental picture and offers them the chance to ask questions. You can get them practice telling their name to someone and asking them to play. By repeating little practices like this just in the car or as you walk somewhere can help a child to feel that they have more of a ‘script’ or ‘game-plan’ in which to approach a novel situation.
- Scaffolding: It is a concept used to manage anxieties in kids where the child is given a ‘warm up’ before the actual drill. Scaffolding is the skill of providing just the right amount of support so that your child can do the rest by themselves. For example, in the previous blog we saw Vyakhya’s mother went on the stage to help her sing the poem after she fumbled. As she saw her mother, she was ready to stop crying and continue with her lines. We know that when children feel safe and secure, their natural urge to explore and play is activated.
- Keep your expectations in check: As a parent, don’t be over expecting or pushy to get your child not feel anxious. Pushing will only result in increased resistance and clinging behaviour. Let them take as much time or whatever way they need to take to deal with their anxieties. Just make sure, you are there when they need you. Fight the urge to push them into a situation that they aren’t comfortable with. Don’t anticipate their confidence levels as an adult with their mere activeness in non-significant social gatherings as kids. Instead, give them the necessary space, time and support.
Goodluck, parents!