Mr. Joshi, 70 years old, lived with his son Parag and daughter-in- law Nidhi. For the past few days, he was observing distasteful behavior in the two for their kids.
Nidhi was a working woman. Her job was scattered around odd timings and target closures. She would mostly remain frustrated. Her frustrations had easily found their escape on her two sons.
The day would begin with her reprimands for the two boys. She scolded them for not switching off the lights, touching the remote with oily hands, not sitting properly at the dining table, fighting with each other. She lashed at them for not cleaning their shoes or leaving some of their stuff accidentally on the floor. She found fault in how they were chewing food so quickly or how their shoulders were bent inwards for while eating. She would frown and say, “Hold your shoulders back!” The other day, she had just swept the floor tidy and her toddler left foot prints of mud as he barged into the room after playing in the park. She reprimanded him. He replied teary-eyed, “I didn’t know, mumma!”
The other day when Parag was busy making a presentation, his older one came over with great enthusiasm and was proud about how he could wear his T-shirt correctly that day. As he glanced up over his screen, impatient at the interruption, the kid hesitated at the door. “What is it you want?” he snapped.
The kid had a hurt look in his eyes which the father never acknowledged. He didn’t even acknowledge when his younger one threw his arms around his neck and kissed him as he returned from work, and his small arms tightened with an affection that God had set blooming in his heart and which even neglect could not wither. But Parag did!
When the maid would not come and she would have to do household chores alone, Nidhi would be so irritated but her boys wanted to help. “Let me help you with the dishes, mumma” the elder one said. She retaliated, “You can’t help me. You will mess it up further so please, go back to your room.” The poor boy went back with a long face.
One night, as she was cleaning up the kid’s cupboard, she saw a painting. It had a man and woman holding the hands of two kids with a caption “World’s best parents”. Tears started rolling down her cheeks. She showed it to her husband and they both started reflecting on their behavior of the past few weeks.
A stifling wave of remorse swept over them. Guiltily, they went to the boys’ bedside. Both the kids were curled up in bed, deeply asleep
As she sat beside them, crying and thinking, a terrible sickening fear came over her. “What has habit been doing to me? What have my frustrations been doing to them? The habit of finding fault, of reprimanding or ignoring your gestures of love for me is so pathetic at my part. It is not that I do not love you; it was that I expected too much of you and myself. I was measuring you by the yardstick of my own years”.
Parag sighed, “There is so much that is good, fine and true in your character. The little heart of yours is probably bigger than mine. This was shown by your spontaneous impulse to rush in and hug me after my tiring day. Nothing else matters tonight, son. I have come to your bedside in the darkness, and I have knelt here, ashamed. It is a feeble atonement; I know you would not understand these things if I told them to you during your waking hours. Even if you do, I know you wouldn’t be able to bear me crying. As fathers, we hardly express our emotions. But tomorrow I will be a real daddy! I will chum with you, and suffer when you suffer and laugh when you laugh. I will bite my tongue when impatient words come. I will keep repeating in my head “These are my boys. My boys! And will not hurt them”
“You both are eventually going to be grown men but you will always be my babies. I see you now, son, crumpled in your bed, I see that you are babies. Yesterday you were in my arms, your head on my shoulder. I have asked too much, too much. I am just so sorry”. Nidhi broke down.
Overhearing their trepidation and remorse, Mr. Joshi was finally at peace. They had realized.
The everyday life gets to us-the adult frustrations, irritations and simply days when everything seems off. A hard day makes us snappy. Maybe those days, we weren’t quite the mom or the dad that we wanted to be—and then when we go in to check on the kids before we go to bed, they’re peaceful, angelic, beautiful…and we’re struck with a pang of guilt.
Relatable? Well, you can do better. Let’s see how.
- We all are flawed and IT IS OKAY- To humans is to err. Even as grown up individuals, we make mistakes. We learn from them and we move on. We need to apply the same to our kids. Not that we are asking you to not correct your kids if something wrong is done but stretching a mistake and judging them on that is wrong. If he chewed fast, it can be corrected. If he trashed the floor, you can guide him. Remember to measure your children by their own yardstick—especially when realizing that we don’t always measure up ourselves. Recognizing your own imperfections allows you to accept those of your child and be forgiving.
- Not every win is a win- After telling your child to not do a certain thing and still he does the same, you snap. Your voice is raised. Tempers flare and maybe tears fall—but your child gives in. You’ve won. But have you? The child approached Parag for validation but he didn’t want a disturbance while making a presentation. A win? When it comes to parenting, realize that winning the skirmish does not always equal “winning” overall.
Your child walks away with a lesson you did not want to teach—that getting angry is
the way to solve problems.
This is not the kind of parenting we want to do. It is not about never being upset. It is
about how much of resilience and love you can show to your kids during the high tides.
- Knowing the ultimate purpose- You see your kids are fighting amongst themselves. You intervene and scold them? Why? Is it for their own good or for yours? Or Is it because you can’t bear the shouting?(because kids often fight to make up) It is normal for you to long for your own peace and deal with your complex emotions but know that you have the onus of raising young lives.
Every interaction with your child is potentially providing a lifelong lesson—and the thing is, you have no idea which interaction is going to have the most impact. So when you feel strong emotions swelling up inside you, it’s helpful to step back and ask yourself: “Is this for me or for them?” If you realize you’re responding for your own benefit, then try to find another way—a better way—you can help yourself and not let your kids suffer. You need to take care of yourself so that you can better take care of your kids.
- Putting guilt to action- Guilt and regret are only useful if you can bring about a change. “I am sorry and I will be a better parent tomorrow” has no meaning if it is not put to action. Every day gives us a new opportunity to start afresh, a new opportunity to be the person that we want to be and build the relationship that we want with our children.
You can stand immediately, from this moment on, to bring about the changes. Of course, some days you will falter but just gather all the love and strength that you have for the ones you brought into this world as your responsibility and you will do just fine.
Happy better parenting!