Rita Sharma is the mother of two children aged 3 and 6. Every morning when she is getting her children ready for school, there are times when they refuse to get up or throw a tantrum about the food she has prepared. This makes her feel frustrated. This thought makes her experience guilt and she starts to think she is not a “good parent”.
Parenting is never going to be all sunshine and smiles. Your kids will not always eat what you fixed for dinner or study without complaint. If you’re feeling a bit out of control and in need of some extra guidance, you’re not alone.
This is where mindful parenting comes into play.
Basics of mindful parenting
On its own, mindfulness is a practice of living in the moment. It means you’re aware of where you are in the world, what you’re thinking, and how you’re feeling on the inside and out.
It focuses on looking at the world with acceptance and less judgment. This philosophy comes from Buddhist literature and has been practiced and studied for centuries.
So how does parenting come into this concept of mindfulness?
“It’s as simple as practicing paying full attention to our kids, with openness and compassion, and maybe that’s enough at any moment.”
In essence, it applies the principles of mindfulness to the many situations parents face in everyday life. This could be times when your child does not listen to your instructions properly such as not putting their toys back in place. Or when your child refuses to go to sleep at the bedtime. Mindful parenting might be helpful to make the parent feel more calm and in control in such situations.
The science behind mindful parenting
Our bodies and brains are wired to react to high stress situations as a safety net. If our brain perceives a threat, it signals the amygdala, the body’s “alarm” system, which tells our body to act without thinking.
The amygdala responds to situations with the fight, flight, or freeze response. This is to protect us, but our stress receptors cannot distinguish between real dangers or false dangers.
In everyday parenting, our stress response often gets triggered unnecessarily by events that are not actually life threatening. Our bodies are reacting to our child spilling cereal all over the floor in the same way we would react if we were being chased by a bear.
Key techniques to mindful parenting
While there is no perfect way to be mindful, these are some techniques one can use to be more mindful as a parent:
- Pay attention to your own feelings when you are in conflict with your child
Look back to your most recent argument or frustrating situation with your child. What feelings are triggered? Are you feeling angry, ashamed or guilty? Try to experience that emotion fully without blocking it. Don’t push it away. Don’t cling to it either. Imagine it like a wave floating away from you.
- Learn not to react. Instead, respond to the situation
The most difficult part of mindful parenting is to learn to not react in the heat of the moment. Try to focus on your breath and the physical responses in your body when you are feeling angry. You may notice how you are tensing the muscles in your shoulders and forehead.
Bringing attention to these will lead to a calmer mind as this helps to bring a pause to the immediate reaction you feel like giving. You will be able to bring your thoughts back to the present moment and respond wisely.
- Try not to dismiss your child’s viewpoint without listening to it carefully
Your child will always react with their emotions. They may throw tantrums too. The key is to understand what is making them react like this. Understanding their triggers will help you avoid conflict in the future.
- Be present in the moment when your child comes to you
There may be times when you are busy but your child asks for your attention. It may be difficult to attend to your child at that moment. A normal reaction would be to listen half-heartedly or even dismiss the child. Mindfulness teaches us that we have to choose, in that moment, what needs immediate attention.
Let us take a hypothetical situation. Mohini was running late for a meeting and told her 5-year-old that there was no time for another snack. But her child ignored her, popped open a packet of peanuts and spilled them everywhere. She lost her temper and yelled at her child which resulted in the child crying. Ultimately, she had to cancel her meeting.
Below is a simple tool one can use in such frustrating situations.
A simple tool to incorporate mindful parenting in frustrating situations
The STOP method is a simple tool to use in a heated situation. Here’s how it works:
Stop.
Pause. Wait a few moments before reacting to your child.
Take a few deep breaths. Breathe in through the nose and out through the mouth. Feel your muscles soften and relax.
Observe. Notice and pay attention to your thoughts, sensations, and emotions.
Procced. Respond to your child from a clearer, calmer mental state.
Benefits of mindful parenting
- The number one benefit of mindful parenting is that your children learn from you. In the heated situation, they are able to calm down with you and learn to practice how to control their emotions.
- The children end up feeling more secure as they are provided with a safe environment.
- Practicing mindful parenting strengthens the parent-child relationship.
- It improves the level of satisfaction a parent gets from parenting.
- It may indirectly help kids to avoid some of the risks of adolescence, such as depression, anxiety, acting out, and drug use.
- It lowers feelings of depression, stress, anxiety and frustration in the parent as well.