Reiterating as always-Parenting is difficult. Always has been, always will be. All of you might agree that one of the most difficult parts of parenting is to use the word NO to the child.
“No, you can’t have chocolate at night.”, “Stop banging the bowls on the table”, “ You can’t watch T.V. for more than 30 min” , “Wait, you will not go alone to play outside” and so many such statements which are a regular in the life of parents to young kids.
But why is it difficult for parents to set boundaries for their kids with a NO? There are many reasons for it. They fear that it will lead to a tantrum trail, a conflict and disagreement which can place them in the ‘bad books’ of their kids-He will stop liking me, He will feel sad, He will not love me anymore, He won’t confide in me anymore and such sorts of fears cloud their mind. Basically, parents begin feeling guilty, ashamed, doubtful and blame themselves. It can feel safer to swallow up the immediate needs to avoid making waves, even though that thing may be good for the kid momentarily and again make parents feel guilty for not enforcing it. It may look like a trap!
But dear parents, you need to learn to play “good cop/bad cop.” We understand that saying “No” can be extremely tiring, frustrating and can feel quite bad at times, but trust us, saying this word to your toddler/preschooler is for his best interests in the long run because there is nothing helpful, noble or loving about permissiveness.
Why boundaries are important
The thing that’s happening when a child hears “No” is that they’re learning boundaries. Boundaries are important for young kids; they are the first stepping stone in how an individual gradually learns to abide by the vast set of written and unwritten rules that make up modern society. In short, the boundaries learnt at home, early in life, are the first exposure a child has to the world as it exists outside the home. Learning boundaries early enables children to integrate themselves more easily into the various social situations they encounter as they grow and mature.
If we remove the boundaries from their lives, kids will have a hard time adjusting to boundaries and limits as they enter school and eventually a bigger world. Also, boundaries build a lot of self-understanding in kids as follows:
- Teaching self-discipline: When the clock strikes 10, the child knows that it is time to stop playing and get into bed without the parent explicitly saying it if his boundaries are clear. He knows it from ‘how mumma looks at him at 10 ’o’clock and would have even done it otherwise. Children are impulsive and controlled by their whims. Like if you take him out, he will want everything he sees-toys, candies, balloons and get upset if not given. Parents who help their kids have boundaries also teach them to control their impulses and focus on what needs to be done. Similar understanding of doing everything in a ‘controlled way’-not having candies at night, brushing teeth before going to bed and so on sets clear demarcation in the kid’s mind about what is right and what is off limits right from toddler days. This helps in the eventual goal for kids to learn to manage all their responsibilities, like homework, chores and taking care of their bodies, without reminders as they grow. However, keep in mind that as parents you don’t have to raise over-compliant children, whose only concern is pleasing their parents. Help your kids have their own minds, even though they must also obey and follow the house rules.
- Maintaining the safety of the child: Just imagine if you don’t teach your preschooler that talking to strangers is off limits or cycling on the road is strictly a NO or playing around knives or pointed objects is forbidden, how do you think they’ll be safe? Limits and boundaries do just that. They are like the invisible life jacket around your kid that keep him from doing things that will hurt him. Although it might be safe for your child to play outside, he might need limits about what he’s allowed to do or where he’s allowed to go when he’s playing outside alone.
- Practicing good habits: Children want to have whatever pleases their eyes. All types of sugary foods, screen times can be tempting for them. Well, we can’t blame them for feeling so but we can set boundaries on what is ‘too much.’ “No, you can’t have a third cookie,” or “You need to have green veggies daily and have 2L water a day anyhow” Similarly limits on screen use need to be set. Limits provide boundaries and structure for kids. Set limits with screen time, exercise, hygiene, and other health practices that will encourage a healthy lifestyle. When our kids get older, boundaries can also help prevent risky teenage behavior, such as underage sex, drinking and drug taking. If we teach our children boundaries, they can learn to set their own.
- Helping through the awkward stuff of life: Limits teach kids to deal with uncomfortable emotions. Taking away that third ice-cream from him might give him a fit of rage but it will help him cope with his anger, frustration, boredom and urge. Try not to take responsibility for cheering him up or calming him down. He might begin to learn why the ice-cream was taken away? (Rational thinking) or even better as he begins to distract himself from overuse as he grows up. Boundaries give kids a great opportunity to learn about their feelings and help them find healthy ways to cope with it for a better adulthood.
- Loving and caring for your kids: Sometimes, a child might cross the limit purposely to see if the parent cares. Like a child might pick the last cookie you asked him not to have to see if you care or a child hit someone only to see if you stepped in to protect. It has been shown that kids who live with few or no rules experience anxiety. Kids don’t want to be in charge. They want to know that you’re in charge and that you’re competent to help them stay in control. Giving them the repercussions for breaking the rules, that you are the ‘boss’ helps in setting the predicament that you love and care for them the right way. “I care about your beautiful teeth honey that is why I am asking you to brush and sleep” Well, you might get an “I don’t like you mom” or a stomping on the feet for this but be rest assured, the bigger picture is: it signifies that you love and care for them.
Conclusively, we strongly feel that the key to setting boundaries is not so much in actually saying “No.” It’s knowing how to say “No.”
In our next blog-Limits and boundaries-How to do it, we will elucidate some tips on how to set efficient boundaries for our kids because they actually crave them.
Continue reading!