“Behave yourself. Haven’t your parents taught you any self-control?”
In the lives of kids, this rhetoric is inevitable. In their over-enthusiasm, innocence and curiosity, kids often lose themselves and are not able to keep-off from events/things that they have been instructed not to do or some things which are bad for them. They are expected to develop self-control for growing up into self-analyzing and self-checking individuals who know that the world is full of checks and balances.
But self-control is not easy. We mean, even as adults, if we look at our habits, how often is a person with a sweet-tooth capable of avoiding a cake in front of him? Or how long is a tech-savvy person able to keep his/her hands off from gadgets? (don’t mind answering this rhetoric)
When adults have a tough time doing this, how can we expect babies to learn such a hard task?
As parents, keep calm and recognize that it’s difficult for your child too.
A baby’s cries tugs at the heart of the parents. It can make you feel worried or even powerless when you want to help him feel better but nothing seems to be working. When you feel this way, it is important for you to relax and take over to look for solutions (distractions, a safe place or antics) When you are feeling calm, the baby is more likely to feel calm too. Please note that learning to control crying is too much to ask from a baby as it is an expression of a difficult time for him.
No matter how complex this may look, teaching self-regulation can be taught to babies over time. Let’s try and understand how.
Babies and Self-Control
Babies are born with the instinct to self-control. Self-soothing by sucking their thumb is the beginning of self-control. As they grow, instead of whining, babies learn to wait for the parent to comfort them. Developing self-control begins at birth and continues throughout childhood. It is a critical life-skill and parents should learn to nurture the development of self-control early.
Babies are also learning that they can’t always have everything they want:
A 10-month-old grabs the porcelain cup. He is happily striking it on the floor when his caregiver gently removes it from his hand and puts it back on the table. She says: “Glass is not a toy, sweetie. It can hurt you if it breaks. But how about this instead?” She gives him a bamboo cup to strike, throw or hit.
This baby is learning about self-control because he has to accept a substitute toy—although his caregiver made sure he could still explore with his hands.
Teaching self-regulation is one of the most important skills to teach our children. It’s a set of skills at the center of which is the ability to control something– a behavior, a thought, an impulse, movement, or a feeling.
Self-control is the ability to cope with strong feelings and stop one’s self from doing something that is not allowed. Young children learn self-control through interactions with peers, parents and other loving adults.
Ways to nurture early Self-Control (age 0-3):
- Set out objects that allow babies to soothe themselves. Each baby is different and has different ways to calm down. Some need lots of rocking or hugging or swaddling to sleep or even be soothed by singing lullabies or suck their fingers to calm themselves. By trying different things to help babies calm down you help them learn to soothe themselves. Try adding new ways so that the baby can soothe himself and doesn’t cry much and it gets in its routine. Maybe that toy that sings or that pacifier to suck or that colourful revolving fan on the ceiling of his pram that distracts and controls him from crying or going after off-limits stuff.
- Activities that teach impulse control. For 2-3 year olds, games like “Freeze or statue” can be introduced. When the music stops, the child has to stop and hold. Of course, it won’t be perfect but it can be taught via imitation. Pretend play can be used to teach self-control. For example, “Popeye never eats candies at night. He eats green veggies like spinach. You are Popeye, right honey? So don’t eat candies at night”
- Repeating what is off-limits over to control it. At 10 months, babies are at a stage where you might have to repeat stuff a lot to get them accustomed to it. Hence, you will probably have to keep doing a lot of distracting and redirecting in the months to come. If he is throwing his blocks in the house, show him a place where he can throw it. Designating a play-throw area ensures that eventually, they will be doing all the throwing in that area alone each time. Over time, experiences like these help them learn right from wrong. Eventually, they will not repeat the off-limits stuff.
As a note of caution, do not use punishments. Instead, use consequences. More often, parents resort to scare the child off of a punishment or a fearful object/person/place to make them self-control or “behave.” This is very wrong and can leave a deep psychological impact on the young mind. To do away with this, try to give reasons using simple outcomes or “next step” to an off-limit activity. For example, “You threw away the doll, now it is hurt and crying (mimic a crying voice) You won’t throw her(doll) again, right sweetie?”
You see? It is really not rocket science but a journey of patience.
In our next blog, Stepping up-Self-control and regulation in toddlers, we have jotted down more handy tips for inculcating self-control in the age group of 3-5. Keep reading!