Teaching kids about discipline isn’t as hard as it might sound. It’s simply a matter of intentional parenting that teaches them important lessons to build character.
Continuing from the previous blog No-Drama discipline: The right approach to nurture kids, we bring to you a few tips to discipline kids the positive way:
- Choose empathy over mockery and ridicule
It’s really easy to think that making a joke out of a serious or semi-serious situation will lighten the mood, but maybe all it does is erode trust leaving them feeling alone at the center of the commotion. When we empathize, we show our kids we have been in a similar place and lived to tell about it. We use our own experiences to show the brokenness in our behavior and actions, but the ways we can all redeem ourselves and make wiser decisions in the future.
“Dad, I got a B+ in my reverse counting test”
“Come on son! You did better than your dad. I got a C. Work harder the next time”
Empathy tells children they’re not alone, they’re not the first, and there’s a way out as time goes on.
- Welcome your children in instead of pushing them away
Sometimes it’s natural to feel angry at a situation or to shout and cause divisions in the parent-child relationship. But what if we simply have to give ourselves grace to know we will be triggered or frustrated at times, but it’s still our responsibility as the parent to mend the situation?
Amrita’s 4 year old son Ankit loved his toy car. One day, her twin sister visited her along with her son Aniket who also belonged to the similar age group as Aman’s. Aniket also fancied the car and picked it up to play with it. This got Ankit furious and he hit Aniket, only to run sobbing to his mother.
Amrita was embarrassed and angry with Ankit for such behavior. She lashed at him privately, told him that he could never hit anyone as it was a wrong thing to do and asked him to apologize. Seeing his mother favour the other kid, Ankit started crying even bitterly.
After the guests left, she came to Ankit with a calmer mind and asked him if she would sit in her lap. “Yes”, he squeaked.
She spent the rest of the night chatting with him about what it means to behave nicely with guests, why hitting someone is unacceptable, what’s the importance of an apology and how they could both do better tomorrow.
- Focusing on rights and wrongs judiciously and sensibly
When a child misbehaves or gets in trouble, our first instinct is to address the foul. But let’s change the approach. Let’s talk to our kids about why they think the way they do. Maybe even why they thought what they did was the correct action. It will give us insight into how they are processing situations and give us talking points on how to achieve a better outcome the next time.
Given modern children are exposed to so much, my three year old brother learnt a cuss word. When it came out of his word while playing with us, her mom was shocked. Instead of shaming him for it, she took him in a corner only to ask the necessary questions. “Wow, that’s a new word I haven’t heard you use before. Can you tell me about it? Where did you learn it?” To his young mind, he had no concept of words being bad at the time. Talking like this is an opportunity and doesn’t indicate that they’ve screwed up, but opens discussion instead.
- Use natural consequences over unrealistic punishments
Do not punish the kids AT ALL. Consequences are the direct result of an action; therefore, teach your kids to learn to correlate the two to know in the future what will come next.
Punishments are typically intended to shame a child for not behaving appropriately and lead to fear and frustration. Teach them to make wiser decisions in the future by thinking of consequences which are logical, natural, and become expected.
If my child uses something inappropriately whether scissors, a motor vehicle, or something in between, they get it taken away.
If they lie, they lose trust.
If they disobey, they lose freedoms or have firmer boundaries for a set time.
Next time try the above suggestions and you can thank us later
- Work to establish a strong family culture
What are your values? Can you be counted on? Is there grace and mercy?
It’s actually really important to sit down and define this because if you don’t, it will naturally happen anyways. So to be intentional about by writing it down and defining what your family holds as true and how you will (hopefully respond in tough situations means that both you and your children have something to turn to other than precedent).
It sets boundaries and limits that actually encourage your children not only to respect a boundary and not cross it, but also it typically builds that feeling of remorse and repentance because of having the family bond and expectation that they would never want to let you down. As a result, they won’t automatically spend the next 30 minutes throwing a tantrum when you won’t let them have cookies before dinner.
- Encouraging Self-discipline in kids
As parents, talk to them that saying “sorry” doesn’t instantly solve the situation or absolve them from wrongdoing. Make them understand that once apologizing is done, making strides to mend the situation is part of making up for the decisions made. Helping kids to be empathetic is key.
- Kids who know how to make good decisions and solve some of their own problems are happier and more confident, which leads to better behavior instead of getting mad or frustrated every time.
- Teach your child how to be more patient and he won’t get upset and act out when he has to wait for something he wants now. You can prolong gratification by making your child wait a little while for that toy or by not allowing him to play before doing his chores.
Having said this, parents should water their ‘saplings’ (read kids) in such a way that they grow them and strengthen them to face each day with confidence, without fear and shame. It’s time that parents change the sound of the word ‘discipline’ from whiplashing, severity and fear to calm, peace and friendship.