Is it possible for a preschooler to resist distractions and inhibit impulses? Seems like too much to ask from a 4 year old, isn’t it?
It is hard for kids to brush off temptations. Who likes to wait to watch their favourite character on screen? Or wait for getting back from daycare to play with that new toy?
Imagine, you go out with your toddler to the supermarket and enter a shop of antiques. The various beautiful objects catch the eye of your child and he is drawn to touch them.
“No honey, these things can break easily. So please don’t touch. It is okay to only look”
He makes puppy eyes. For him it is difficult to resist. It is hard for a 3 year old to hold that curiosity off.
Reminding him, you say “Okay, it is just like we do with the glass jar at home. Just looking and not touching, remember?”
He backs off reluctantly. It is difficult for him to control his impulse despite you constantly reminding him every now and then.
Hard indeed!
Dear parents, patience is key as kids take time to learn to self-control and this where you must step in to teach them that they will have to retry and not give up.
Kids indeed need a lot of practice and timely reminders to stay on track and stick to a plan. They benefit the most when we remove temptations and distractions and create environments that reward self-restraint. It is important to imbibe self-control in kids early on as if experts are to believed, in the long run, kids with poor self-control are at higher risk for poor health outcomes, like obesity, drug dependency and are more likely to commit crimes.
So how do we foster self-regulation in children?
Some people will tell you that it’s all genetic. Science says otherwise.
We say, a stitch in time saves nine.
Carrying forward from our previous blog Self-checks and balances, we have handpicked a few more (non-exclusive) ways of teaching self-control to the age group of 3-5. Let’s deep dive into them straight-
- Recognize the purpose or better deals
The first step is helping children recognize the purpose or higher-goal of the situation, about how will they benefit from it and providing the time and space for their impulses too — it’s not that all impulses are bad, it’s that they have to be regulated to the right time and place.
Why can’t we have the 3rd candy? Because we want to stay healthy.
“Baby, you have had 2 candies. Two is good but if you have more, your teeth and stomach will hurt. Mama loves your smile and white teeth. You want to be a good boy with beautiful teeth, right?”
Why try to ask for permission while taking someone’s toy? Because we want to earn a good friend.
“Honey, that is Amit’s toy. If you want to have it, please ask him. This way Amit will know that you didn’t just take it away and you two will become friend and you can have more toys”
The purpose or higher goal is usually about empathy, social relationships, or learning (being productive). This is technically called ‘delay of gratification’ or the ability to suppress an impulse (eating candy or having that toy) in order to meet another goal and has been linked to many outcomes– children who wait longer are more sociable, have better grades etc. Controlling impulses underlies all of the social and cognitive skills children are learning — and that is why it is the most important life skill. We all want our children to have good friends, to be able to learn, to be good at solving problems, to enjoy life, and make the most of moments
- Games do it too
Games that teach practical skills like attentiveness, taking turns, inhibiting impulses and self-regulation to preschoolers can be a good start. Playing games — even simple games like matching, Simon Says, will help develop those skills. For more ideas on such games, please check out our blog Gaming it up: Self-Regulation made easy at home
- Organic is good
Sometimes, you don’t have to come up with something innovative to teach self-regulation to kids but just look around a bit. Things like waiting for a Sunday to go to the Play Store, wait for Xmas for a new present, the hold to open holiday presents and being quiet while a story is read aloud are all examples of natural and organic situations which are teachable moments for self-regulation skills. These situations are truly challenging for younger children and you can equip your children to better face them. So if he has to wait till he gets to his favourite cake, maybe he can be involved in some game or sing a song or dance to pass the time off. You can also tell him to check the clock for big and small hand positions while he waits to open the present box. You can also coax him that a reward is waiting at the end of the task so being a ‘good boy’ is needed right now. By scaffolding these skills you are helping them build regulation strategies they will use their whole life.
- Regulating through choices
A 4 year old can begin to exhibit his likes or dislikes. Our goal is for our children to develop well-regulated thought processes. To be able to sort through the chaos, choose and speak their whims and inhibit distractions. “No child is ever too young to make a choice, carrots or peas? Which one do they spit out the least?”
Give him choices. Pink or yellow? Rice or chapati? Football or cricket?
By learning decision making early on in life, kids can regulate their lives and hold themselves responsible for those decisions as adults.
Stepping up is a balance between when to hold and when to let go. It involves knowing when not to control.
As parents, we are inclined to give a LOT of time trying to teach our children to control impulses but often forget that it is just as important to let them be “uncontrolled” for lack of a better term. Not always do you have to let your child wait so much to have that piece of cake that when they have it, it actually spoils the fun of it. So, it isn’t just about waiting or controlling, it’s about being flexible in that control. He can have that cake at 9a.m or 2p.m.-it is good as long as it isn’t late at night. Let it go and not pull strings always. Let them pounce over it!
Ultimately, we want to raise ‘balanced’ children who have the ability to control impulses when needed and to be able to let loose when they can.
As parents, acknowledge that it is difficult. Acknowledge that it is frustrating to wait as when you empathize with your kids, they know they are being helped and supported in their journey to self-regulate.