Aradhya was 12 years old. She was a bright girl already excelling in her school. One day, as she was walking down the corridor, she heard a few whispers following her.
“Look at her, she is so kaali!” “She is so dark!”
Aradhya was stunned. She quickly ran to her classroom teary eyed. As she returned home, her father tried to discern her long face and dull mood.
“Why is my honey bunch so sad? Did your teacher say something?”
“Why am I dark, papa? Is it a bad thing?” she said in a dull voice.
Her father exhaled. “Who said this to you?” he asked in a calm voice.
As she narrated the entire incident to him, he leaned in to hold her hand.
As he placed his hand on hers, he said “You see? Our skin colour matches. You are dark because you are a part of me. And today I am going to tell you a secret. You may be dark but it is certainly not a bad thing as you are the most beautiful and smart young woman amongst all those who call you names. They call you that because they know they can never pull you down otherwise or rise above you fairly. So, you got to know your worth and rise above them and eventually they will stop calling you that. But my dear, never ever you dare think that your complexion defines you. It is how you define yourself”
Hearing this, her long face lighted up and she hugged her dad. It just took a 5-minute ‘daddy therapy’ to restore her confidence!
“The Father Effect” is the umbrella term for the benefits of a paternal presence. Specifically talking about daughters, fathers are like a permanent armour around them for the rest of their lives. To cast a positive father-effect on her, even he has to pull up his socks from day 1-from changing diapers, being involved in poop sessions or singing lullabies, feeding, playing, first walks to attending her ballet classes, tea parties, bad school days, all heartbreaks, emotional up-downs, marriage and so on. He needs to be the chauffeur, financial support, chef, listener, friend, life mentor, protector, guardian and simply there through every walk of her life.
Dads have a huge responsibility of preserving the fierce femininity of their princesses yet teach them the art of striking a balance between soft and bold. In his heart, he knows that she deserves nothing less than everything God has purposed for them to receive from their daddies and he won’t let her settle for any less. And he does it in his routine ways to show how much he cherishes and loves his little girls.
How fathers can impact their daughter’s lives?
Gender neutral parenting
The patriarchal society often asks women to learn ‘domesticated practices’ of cooking, cleaning and tending early on in life. But what if the patriarch of the family, the father, has decided otherwise for his daughter? What if he wants his daughter to break the glass ceiling as he does not feel, practice or propagate gender bias between his son and daughter? Such fathers give rise to strong, independent women who run shoulder to shoulder with men in every sphere of life. (While parenting young kids, try encouraging your son and daughter to keep their plates in the sink themselves after eating, set the same timings of play for both, buying similar colours for both of them instead of the cliché blue for boys, pinks for girls for encouraging gender neutrality) Generally, men are thought to be rough, amazing in sports, or technical subjects like Math or Science. For girls inclined towards these areas, they need to be empowered to solve their problems and take ownership as they come of age. They need to feel capable of taking risks and making mistakes. Fathers can help with that by telling girls they are capable and strong, and that they believe in them. Dads need to encourage their daughters to dream big, empower them for the future. Remember Mahaveer Singh Phogat from Dangal? Just like that.
Instilling confidence, self-worth and self-acceptance in girls
As seen in the case of Aradhya above, one moment of her father’s confidence in her boosted her own confidence in self. It is proven that the founding stones of a girl’s self-esteem are carefully cemented by a dad who is supportive, encouraging, appreciating and loving. For her, his approval matters the first and the most. Studies show that if he thinks she is beautiful, smart, and strong, she will be more inclined to see herself that way. When they aren’t being judged for their looks and they don’t see their dad judging others on looks, girls are more satisfied with their appearance and weight. Haven’t we all been there at some point in our lives where we had a difficult time accepting our looks- colour, weight, height? Some girls even suffer mentally and emotionally due to such under confidence issues that can lead to depression, anxiety, or eating disorders. With a loving relationship with their dad, girls are less likely to become clinically depressed or develop an eating disorder.
He acts as the prototype of how women should be treated
Children learn from what they see at home. If the father treats the mother with respect and love, the daughter knows that she wants and deserves similar respect from men around her. Fathers who are abusive, verbally or non-verbally, neglectful, or hurtful towards their spouses are unknowingly teaching their daughters how females deserve to be treated. If the father is engaged in supporting the mother in household chores, does acts of chivalry like pulling out the chair or opening the car door or carrying the shopping bag, respects her during arguments, daughters often take away how a man should treat her and she would never accept anything below that good treatment.
Academic performance
As per studies, a girl with a positive relationship with her dad has high self-esteem, confidence and belief that they are unstoppable. For them, sky is the limit. They achieve more academically, perform better in school and on tests than females who had no relationship with their father, or if their relationship with their father was unhealthy. Just a zing of confidence and faith in her can make your daughter break barriers!
Setting the gold standard to choose future relationships and habits
It is believed that daughters coming from a strong marital bond between parents tend to expect the same in their future relationships. The way she perceives and interacts with her dad will influence her choice of partner and companionship. Respectful, supportive and honest fathers who keep their promises teach their daughters to expect that in their relationships. Girls usually end up picking guys who have similar traits as their fathers for dating and marrying. A usual pattern seen in women with a strong relationship with their father is that they wait longer to enter a serious relationship or become sexually active, and even get married or have children later. Also, behavioural habits like smoking and drinking in such girls are far less than those having abusive or neglectful fathers.
So the next time you take your little girl for an ice-cream or play the snow man Olaf to her pretty Elsa or Anna, make sure you do it insightfully because she is looking at your smallest move while absorbing a great deal which will impact her entire life. Of course, you will make mistakes but do know when to step in and apologize as it is also a strong trait that she would learn growing up and it better be taught by her role-model or daddy dearest.
“There is something like a line of gold thread running through a man’s words when he talks to his daughter and gradually over the years, it gets to be long enough for you to pick up in your hands and weave into a cloth that feels like love itself”-John Gregory Brown
Other Blogs in this series: Daddy’s little girl & Decoding it: How can dads be involved in raising daughters