Recall the last time you visited the paediatrician with your child and wife. Do you feel that the doctor paid attention to both you and your wife equally? Or do you feel that they may be interacting with your wife more? (this includes non-verbal cues like eye contact) if you relate to the latter, you may have experienced what many fathers go through and is commonly known as “dad shaming”.
Mothers often get criticised for the way they bring up their child. It is bound to happen given that everyone seems to have an opinion on the “correct” way a child should be brought up. According to a survey that was done a few years ago on fathers, it was found that almost 52% of the fathers reported getting negative feedback about their style of parenting as well.
But is the criticism received by dads different compared to mothers?
It is a common way of thinking that the mother is the more “important” parent when it comes to bringing up a child. This factor leads to fathers going through “dad shaming” which is criticism and judgement by others on the father’s role in parenting. The way the mother brings up a child becomes the “gold standard” of parenting which means that when fathers do something differently, they get criticized for it. Research shows that dads and moms parent differently. However, contrary to what most people think, this actually works in favour of the child and benefits their well-being.
For instance, if a child is scared of a particular clown toy, the way the mother would try to get rid of the fear may or may not work. For instance, the mom might try to explain the child with words that it is just a toy. The dad may approach this in a completely different manner by physically taking the child near the toy. This means that the child will get two different styles of dealing with fears and adapt to the one that suits them the best.
Dad shaming can be subtle
Dad shaming could take place in the form of snide comments or even a bad “look”. For instance, when fathers are getting their daughter ready for school, the grandparents who live with them might say something like “do you even know how to comb your daughter’s hair? Here, let me do it.”. Or when the mother is away or busy and the father is taking care of the child, they might have to hear statements like “oh, so you’re in charge of the baby this weekend?”. This statement seems innocent enough but is loaded with the idea that the father is the “second parent” and that it is not their “job” to take care of the child. One would never hear someone say this to the mum.
Another thing dads get shamed for is the way they parent. Research shows that fathers are more “rough” in the way they parent their child. For instance, father might want to introduce tumble play and be ‘stern yet fun’ in encouraging the same within their young one. This is different from the style mothers usually adopt which is more “nurturing” in nature where they might explain things to the child and consider their feelings when trying to teach them something new. People might give concerned looks when the dad is playing alone with the child or say something like “I wonder where the mum is”. As we saw before, a different style of parenting is not necessarily bad. Kids need both the nurturing style that most mothers adopt as well as a more challenging and real-world based style that seem to be innate to most fathers.
Where is this shaming coming from?
According to the respondents of the survey, dads frequently get harsh judgement from other parents, relatives and even their own partners for the way they parent. This judgement surprisingly also comes from professionals such as teachers and doctors. Most of the time, the people who tend to “parent” the parenting of the fathers don’t even realize they are doing so. This unconscious parental inferiority is linked to gender stereotypes and the idea that mothers are naturally good at parenting whereas fathers need to be “trained” to be a good parent.
This stereotype exists because women are the ones who carry the child during pregnancy and it is assumed that the mother-child relationship will be stronger. It is said that pregnancy, childbirth and nursing leads to an increase in oxytocin in both the child and the mother which is one of the key reasons behind the strength of the mother-child relationship. So how can fathers ever have the same level of closeness to their child?
Dads bond with their babies in exactly the same way as mums.
Recent research goes against existing gender stereotypes in parenting and shows that fathers can actually have the same closeness to their child as mothers. The level of oxytocin released during the act of committed caregiving by fathers is actually similar to the oxytocin released during nursing and childbirth. This means that fathers also have the potential to be as involved and knowledgeable as mothers when it comes to parenting.
How does dad shaming affect the fathers?
When people offer unwarranted advice on your parenting, it is a natural response to feel annoyed or angry – someone has assumed that the way you are raising your child is not correct and that you are not a good parent. For instance, imagine that a father is teaching his child how to count and the child keeps getting distracted. The father may use his own method of getting his little one to concentrate by being stern. An outsider might see this and judge him for being hard. As a society, we believe that dads are less tuned in to their children’s behaviour or that they simply don’t have the “skills” to parent a child. This can undermine their confidence and also reduce the level of engagement they have with their children.
The constant criticism can sometimes make dads feel like it’s not worth trying to be close to their child cause even if they are good parents, they will receive judgement. It can also make them feel “irrelevant” in the process of parenting.
This dad shaming actually takes us back to the times when women “stayed at home and took care of the children” and men “went out for work and did not have time for caregiving”. As a society, we need to have high expectations from dads just like we do from moms and help the dads achieve them. The parenting journey should be equally shared by both parents and this will only be possible if we move past old stereotypes and let dads try.