Aditi was seven months pregnant and fully into researching as to what all changes will happen in her life post the baby’s arrival, how her relationship with her husband will change, how to bathe and feed a newborn, what all vaccines will be given to her newborn in the first year and what not. But the most intriguing yet confusing part of her research was how to raise her baby into a confident, smart and responsible individual. Like, babies don’t come with a Dummy’s guide, right?
Her mother and mother-in-law constantly schooled her with the dos and don’ts and she also had the internet right at a click away, but still she was not able to understand how to actually parent a child to turn into a good human being. The very thought of making errors with parenting stressed her.
Being a first time mom, she wasn’t wrong either.
But isn’t it the stress of all parents having younger or older children? Do parents really know how to rightfully raise a child, which style to adopt, when to loosen or tighten the grip so that their children don’t stray and fall on a wrong path?
Good news: There is actually NO style or right way to raise a child. You are free to raise your child as you like.
While there is no manuscript or bible available to raise a kid right, there are certain popular practices that have been proven to give direction to kids. Let’s go through them one by one.
- Getting the basics right: Eat, sleep, discipline. Repeat!
- Lights off: Well, you might be a parent whose every night story might be rocking your infant in and out till either he sleeps or you have a backache. Ah! Experts say by helping babies to learn to fall asleep by themselves and soothe themselves back to sleep when they wake up during the night, parents are helping them master vital skills for comfort and independence. For older children, turning off all lights and electronic devices an hour before bed is crucial as they need to develop good sleeping patterns to be alert at school. Sleep is a vital component to a healthy mind and body functioning. By instilling good sleep practices in their kids from start, parents are clearly guiding them correctly
- Food mood: Infants are dependent on breastfeeding for almost 6 months. Post that, solid foods are introduced to them. This time can be utilized to give the child an exposure to various tastes and textures to expand their range. So maybe it is a ‘rocket’ or an ‘airplane’ of a banana or pasta moving in her mouth, ‘play eating’ helps them try a variety of food. Most importantly, there should not be any screen involved during meal time. Instead, build eating around family time as watching other members eat a variety of food items, the child is itself compelled to try new delicacies while spending time with family. You want to help your child eat a variety of real foods, rather than processed snacks. You want him to eat at mealtimes and snack times, rather than constant “grazing,” or “sipping,” You want him to eat to satisfy hunger, rather than experiencing food as either a reward or a punishment. Please don’t cook special meals for a picky child, but also don’t make a regular struggle out of mealtime. There needs to be a balance.
Some tricks can include
- Letting the toddler help you in the kitchen doing little easy things like pouring, passing, blowing etc.
- Try a healthy new recipe having lots of colors and foods that he/she enjoys so that it is tasty and visually appealing. Yumilicious!
- Offer him/her a little of what everyone at the table is eating,
- Take them to the market and let them pick what they want to eat. Simultaneously, teach them the names of fruits and vegetables.
- Run around and play with them while feeding.
- Don’t hesitate to repeat the vegetables that your child likes
DO NOT bribe your child to eat something as it has a long term negative impact. And above all, don’t fret too much and agonize over its eating patterns.
- Discipline: Be patient and consistent, meaning, don’t just burst out when your child repeatedly does something wrong over and over. Take a deep breath. You don’t always have to preach moral values. Sometimes if a small child misbehaves you can redirect the behavior and avoid the battle. The overall disciplinary message to young children is the message that you don’t like the behavior, but you do love the child. Think praise rather than punishment. Search for positive behaviors to praise and reward and young children will want to repeat the experience. Hitting and spanking tend to produce aggressive behavior in children. It is a big NO. But when you actually have to be strict with them, don’t feel too guilty. Make them learn ways of expressing their resentments. E.g. it is alright to dislike your classmate, but hitting is off limits. Also, be a role model and lead them by yourself offering a sincere parental apology when you do something wrong.
- Let them know the ‘wrong behavior’
While your baby is about 4 and you’re prepping it for preschool, make sure you have introduced him/her to words and feelings like ‘bad touch’, bullying, moral values etc.
- Bullying: Let your child know what this is all about by setting clear demarcations and examples and prepare them about what to do, most important of which is informing the teacher or you in case of an incident. Also, teach them that if they see it happening with other children, he or she can at least confront the bully, keep company with the victim and alert an adult. This way you are teaching the child to take a stand for himself/herself and others
- Bad touch and gender concept: With new crimes happening against very young kids too, it is very crucial to gender-sensitize your child and make them aware of the difference between good and bad touch. Young children often believe that having short hair “makes you a boy” and that wearing a dress “makes you a girl.” You make them comfortable in their individuality but at the same time take mock drills time to time with them creating pretend situations like ‘What if a stranger offers to accompany you to a place, what will you do?’ or ‘If a stranger offers you candy in the name of escorting you, what will you do?’ Teach them defenses in such situations. Refusal, shouting at the top of their voices, biting the person can be a few of them.
- Moral values: At the end of the day, each parent wants to raise children who are good people. You surely care about how your child will treat others, and how he or she will act in the world. Inculcating good values at home involves multi-faceted approaches. Setting good examples yourself by respecting others and using pleasantries like ‘Thankyou’, ‘Please’, and ‘Sorry’ can make the child pick that up. Making it watch movies, cartoons which have a good moral message also make them learn fast. Telling them the religious significance of festivals like ‘the triumph of good over evil will always prevail’ through folktales helps big time.
- Screen time and tech:
With the advent of digitalization and parents being so busy with their work that they find an easy escape to hand over their child a gadget instead of talking to them, it is very crucial that sensitive parents set a clear line between ‘What, When and How’ of technology to their growing children.
- Screen limit: Make sure that your child has a certain hour in a day fixed to watch TV. NOTHING after it
- Be role models: Do not hand over your 2-year-old a phone to make him/her stop sobbing. It looks easy but that is when addiction at such tender age begins. There should be no phone policy at dining tables, bed times. Do it yourself so that the kids see and learn
- Respecting a toddler’s privacy: Yes, even kids as small as 2 year olds have privacy. In this world obsessing over social-media, posting a ‘harmless’ naked photo of your ‘oh my god, so cute’ baby can tamper the child’s image of itself 12 years down the line.
- Right age for tech toys and phones: The right age to give your child a phone or a gadget is when they need it for something constructive like games which actually increase their IQs, or maybe because there is a genuine WhatsApp study group. Teach them that with privilege, comes responsibilities. Barr their access to sites which can be potentially harmful. Checks and balances are needed.
While these may be the most common methods parents adopt to do the so-called ‘right parenting’, there is no hard and fast guide to it. Other factors that can be included in this list can be teaching them time management, how to handle peer pressure or academic pressure, how to build interest in studies from early on etc. These are topics of discussion for some other day maybe.
Till then, enjoy teaching your kids and learning from them but keep in mind that a lot of what they turn out to be actually depends on them.
“Parents can only give good advice or put kids on the right paths, but the final forming of a person’s character lies in their own hands”-Anne Frank