Samaira, 4 year old, arrived for her best friend Vanshika’s birthday party with her mom. In a pretty orange frock and matching clips and sandals, she looked like a doll.
As the mother-daughter duo reached the venue, Samaira was ecstatic to see so many colourful balloons, a giant Mickey Mouse swing, cartoon décor and confetti everywhere around her in the lawn!
The big Barbie-doll cake was finally cut. “Mumma, this is yummy-yummy. Can I get some more?” she asked her mother after eating a piece of it.
To fetch some more cake, Samaira and mom headed for the kitchen inside. Surprisingly, they heard loud voices.
It was Vanshika’s parents. They were shouting fiercely at the top of their voices, saying harsh words to each other and fighting in the kitchen.
Samaira quickly hid behind her mother and said slowly, “Mumma, why are they shouting? It scares me. It is so much like you and papa”
The mother turned red in embarrassment. In her innocence, Samaira had given her a wakeup call. She promised herself to deal with such conflicts more maturely and sensibly.
Well, after reading the story, please don’t start taking dramatic pledges with your partners swearing that you guys won’t ever fight again because, though it may sound righteous at the moment, it is not practical.
As already discussed in the previous blog Impact of parental clashes-Getting under the skin of it about how parental conflict can affect children but is inevitable, it is important to understand that it doesn’t have to hurt kids.
Here’s how to turn a disagreement into a positive lesson.
- Escaping conflict is not the solution: Some parents, knowing how destructive conflict can be, may think that they can avoid affecting their children by giving in, or capitulating, in order to end an argument. But that’s not an effective tactic. Studies have shown that the long-term effects of parental withdrawal are actually more disturbing to kids as they understand hostility. When parents withdraw and become emotionally unavailable, kids don’t know what’s going on. They just know things are wrong. In fact, when parents go behind closed doors and come out acting like they worked it out, the kids can detect that. Pretending is actually worse in some ways.
As a couple, you can’t resolve a fight if you’re not acknowledging it. Some of the tips to deal with conflicts positively are:
- Empathy towards each other: Open the dialog by first letting the other person know that you see them, you get them, and you can put yourself in their shoes.
- Give your partner chances and benefit of the doubt: Assume their best intentions and help yourself remember that you love each other by adding an endearment.
- You are one team: See where the problem is, explore all sides of it jointly and solve it without digging on each other. You are together in this.
- Constructive criticism and letting go: If there is some problem that is time-bound or irrevocable, try to let it go. Since you can’t go back in time, stop the blame game.
- Kindness is the key: Disapproval, disappointment, exasperation- all can be dealt with calm and kindness
- Compromise: Reach a middle ground and make a pinky promise
- What NOT TO DO in front of kids:
- Both you and your spouse should refrain from speaking ill, screaming and threatening each other in front of your child during a heated exchange. This ‘out of control’ rage in one parent for the other has harmful effects on children as it not only coops them up but leaves a lifelong impact on their views on relationships and marriage.
- Avoid dragging the argument for a long time. Resolve it with maturity and if possible do so in front of your children.
- Make sure never to involve the child in your arguments. If the child is made to feel that he has to choose either parent or take sides, he might feel torn and confused and may end up blaming himself for the conclusion of the fight.
- Try to not lose your temper in front of your child. If you happen to do it, remember to apologize for it in calmer times. This will teach him that losing one’s temper is not the answer to solving a conflict.
While it is completely understandable that a couple can have disagreements, the crucial thing is to work them out amicably and come out with constructive solutions. After all, happy parents makes the child most happy and that’s the secret ingredient of thriving families.