Differences of opinions, disagreements, quarrels and arguments are a part and parcel of married life and we don’t wish to say otherwise! From different parenting styles, the chores at home to miscellaneous reasons, a conflict between parents is inevitable. So let’s just accept that it will be there. Good news is, it doesn’t have to affect your child. Ta-da!
E. Mark Cummings, psychologist at Notre Dame University, who has published hundreds of papers over twenty years on parental conflicts and its effects on children says, just having children creates more conflicts, even for couples who were doing well before they became parents. “When kids show up, there’s less time to get more done,” she says. “All of a sudden you’re not as patient, not as flexible, and it feels like there’s more at stake.”
Some research suggests that children as young as six months register their parents’ distress.
Does that cause panic? Well, don’t. It is critical to understand conflict first in order to take remedial measures. So let’s begin getting under its skin.
Let’s talk about what destructive conflict is.
The kinds of destructive tactics that parents use with each other that harm children:
- Verbal aggression like name-calling, insults, and threats of abandonment;
- Physical aggression like hitting and pushing;
- Silent tactics like avoidance, walking out, sulking, or withdrawing;
- Capitulation—giving in that might look like a solution but isn’t a true one.
As per a study, children who lived with parents who constantly quarreled had higher average cortisol levels (stress hormone) than children who lived in more peaceful families. They found that those who grew up in homes with high levels of conflict tend to have physiological and socio-emotional problems later in life compared to control groups. As adults, they were more likely to report vascular and immune problems, depression and emotional reactivity, substance dependency, loneliness, and problems with intimacy.
Here are the most common ill-effects of a child witnessing your fights with your partner:
- Your child crying the minute he sees you two arguing or becoming absolutely quiet or scared,
- Looking and talking cranky
- Behaving insecure,
- Augmentation in its fighting tendencies with other children,
- Not mingling with other children,
- Drifting away from you two,
- Complaining of headaches, poor-appetite, stomach upsets etc.
For school going kids, it could include
- Poor performance in academic and co-curricular activities or
- Blaming itself for the fights.
- Developing ways to ignore everything happening around
How to make conflict work
“Some types of conflicts are not disturbing to kids, and kids actually benefit from it. Watching some kinds of conflicts can even be good for kids—when children see their parents resolve difficult problems, they can grow up better off” Cummings says. When children witness parents resolve issues amicably and sense the happiness and love between parents, a wave of positive emotions wrap them and strengthens their sense of security and self-esteem. It is like they are absorbing the fact that disputes happen all the time, but we should try and respectfully resolve them. This is what constructive conflict is all about.
However, it is to be agreed that some ruffles are best kept private. Discussions about sex or other tender issues are more respectfully conducted without an audience
Usually, partners resolve to never fight in front of children but it is pivotal to understand that conflict is a normal part of everyday experience in a relationship. The key takeaway from this fact is that it is NOT important whether parents fight or not. What’s important is how the conflict is expressed and resolved, and especially how it makes the children feel.
So the next time, when you see your child making a droopy, puppy face when you disagree with your partner, just flash a smile at the kid and communicate that if the fight is the size of a grain(too small), then the love for your partner is the size of an ocean-too vast!
Do give the next blog Ensuring happy homes- Tips to bridge parental conflicts and differences a read to find out some workable tips regarding how to amicably resolve parental conflicts, for the quality of parents’ relationship alone has a huge impact on the child’s emotional development.
Stay tuned and keep reading!