Rachana was worried about her 4 year old boy Sarthak. She had got a complaint from his daycare teacher that he had stomped on a fellow kid’s set of colours and didn’t even apologize. Instead, he ran out of the room when asked about it.
Also, his behavior at home was turning weird. Rachana gave him peeled almonds with milk every morning for a healthy beginning to the day only to find out that he never ate them. He pretended to eat them but kept putting them in the drawer. She found 50 almonds lying there, uneaten!
She really wanted to confront him for his wrongdoings but wondered if it was too early. “He is only 4, I can’t be harsh on him” she thought. Moreover, she knew that if she tries to talk to him there will be resistance-avoidance, unacceptance, I don’t knows, tantrums, stomping and screaming.
But she decided to be firm. She couldn’t digest raising a child who wouldn’t admit to a behavior that hurts others or is unacceptable even if he didn’t want to talk about it.
Raising kids who accept their mistakes from younger days to rectify them eventually is an important part of parenting, she knew.
For every parent, the anger and frustration associated with teaching their kids the right way to do things is normal. However, it is known that teaching kids any lesson in heat of the moment is ineffective. The “thinking” part of their brain is off-line and the lesson will be ignored or forgotten immediately. Hence, waiting till the lava has settled should be practiced. Calm!
The best dreamy situation and much wanted cakewalk for any parent would be like, “Hey honey, you are aware that you shouldn’t have hit your brother today, right? “Yes, mom. I am sorry and I won’t do it again.”
All peace, no chaos! Yay!
But mostly, kids don’t work that way and that’s where this blog comes to your rescue.
Most parents who are on a quest to teach the best manners and etiquettes to their toddlers and preschooler can relate to the fact that kids generally don’t want to talk about their behaviour. They escape talking about what they did wrong. Or, they don’t remember. Or, they’ve moved on to something else and are so absorbed they can’t be bothered to relive the past.
Well, even adults try to do that at times to avoid unpleasant or uncomfortable situations. Kids are no exceptions. They only want the good part for who bothers about the bad. Let bygones be bygones. Easy, no?
No.
Reiterating the fact, raising responsible and self-correcting individuals is key for a good society and hence, parents need to inculcate these values in kids from toddler days. A few tweaks and changes in everyday conversations and ways can do just this for your child.
Let’s quickly come to how you can get your child talking about his/her wrongdoings and eventually get them to bring a change:
- Debunking shame –Your child just ate the last piece of cake that was kept for his sibling. Telling him that what he did was ‘shameful’ will make things worse because the concept behind shame is “You are a bad kid, you are unworthy and don’t deserve any love” Most parents resort to shame thinking it will make kids realize their wrongdoings. NO. It will make them not talk about it, withdraw, push you away, verbally or physically-“Get away from me! Can’t you see I messed up? I’m a bad kid. I don’t deserve love.” Avoid using shame as a tool.
- Look for the whys: Before jumping the gun and lashing out at the kid about his wrong behavior, try to know what made him do it. Ask them ‘what, why, how, when’ of it. “You broke his set of colours. Why did you do that, honey?” When you ask him questions giving the benefit of the doubt and with love, he knows that he can confide in you and talk because there won’t be a trail of criticism, blame or ‘know-it-all’ attitude. “I did that because he threw water on my painting and ran away, mumma. He is bad” Once you get the answer, you can decide on setting a list of dos and don’ts with your kid for future.
- Spare the preaching: Most parents feel that preaching, lecturing and ranting about the idealistic behavior constantly in front of kids is going to turn them into righteous individuals. Well, it doesn’t happen so. “When I was your age or I would have never done this or in our times, children never behaved this way” etc. are all the wrong things to say. Nothing ends a conversation faster than a lecture. Just ask yourself “How would I want someone to talk to me about this?” Realize that the child may need a minute or two to formulate a response. Let him narrate his story instead of mixing yours. Keep it conversational. Period.
- Not everything needs a reaction–If you’re constantly wanting to talk about behavior, your child is going to dread these conversations. Chasing him with “Tell me this, Tell me that, now, immediately, right away” are not going to help. Take into account his good and bad behavior of past few days, club them up and look for patterns, or address the “big things” and let the smaller things go. Talk to him once about all these collectively. Appreciate the good parts so that he opens up about the bad ones. Also, try to keep an open mind about what circumstances your child was in while he did the wrong thing. Was he exhausted? Hungry? Irritated? Hurt? In toddler years, it is very possible to act out of such emotions for kids. Once you know, articulate what situations lead to such actions of his and how can they be dealt with.
- Use external help-Children understand visual stimulus and stories more than mere verbal teachings. Look for books, TV shows and stories or hypothetical situations that talk about the lesson you’re trying to teach in a general way. “The boy kept spreading the hoax that a lion is coming, a lion is coming, every day. But when the lion actually came, nobody believed him and the lion ate him. Hence, one should never be so mischievous to inflict bad things upon themselves.” Use these things to start a conversation, ask their opinion, or build on in it the future.
- Accepting “I don’t know” –Not everything makes sense to a toddler always. Sometimes they are just responding to an internal trigger, feeling overstimulated, or responding from a state of stress. They can be in a state of confusion. Don’t be harsh on them to ‘know’. Be empathetic and give them time to come to you.
- Don’t push it – You need to take it slow. We know that urge to confront him right away for the bad behavior and those patterns but please, stop. Short conversations about good and bad behaviour – even without solutions or resolution – may be a good place to start. Some situations are even more difficult to talk about face to face for him due to fear, shame. Encourage note writing, journaling, opportunities to talk in the dark at bedtime or while driving together in the car or – which can all make it feel less vulnerable for your child to be honest. Some children also have a fixed activity that they do when they don’t want to talk to anyone-colouring, playing legos, running etc. Spot them and look for an opportunity to talk after they are done. The idea is to make him feel “safe” for your child to be honest with you by respecting their limits.
While fingers on lips about such behavior is the last thing we want as parents, lectures or yelling or criticizing won’t help either. When you change the way you respond to them and give them time to trust you or confide in you that they won’t be punished or belittled about it, they will gradually begin to open up to you.
Practice with the following:
You see your kids fighting over the new car you bought for them. Suddenly, the elder one throws it on the floor in anger which makes the younger one cry out loud. The elder one runs out in the balcony. You console the younger child in your arms and follow the elder one.
You: “That was something unsual, right?”
He: “She never lets me play with my toy. It is mine. You brought it for me, mumma”
You: “Well, I brought it for my kids. Moreover, she is also yours no? Your sister?
He (squeaks): Yes, but…
You: Okay tell me, how angry are you with your cute little, one tooth sister? Show me with the size of your hand.
(Your girl is in your lap as he shows you. She is sitting there innocently, smiling now)
He(stretches his arms to indicate big): Thiiiiiiiiiiiiis much!!
You: Uh Oh! Now, just look at her face and tell me again.
He (sees her laugh innocently and begins to shrink his arms in size): Okay, maybe this much.
Gradually, he also begins smiling seeing her laugh
You: Well, sharing is caring honey. I know you love your baby sister and you won’t smash things the next time. She could have been hurt by that smash. You want her hurt?
He(tearfully, kissing and holding her in his arms): Never, mumma!
You(kissing his forehead): Good boy!
Happy parenting!