“I want that toy car”, a 4 year old says, peeking through the glass outside a shop.
“Sweetie, you already have so many. You don’t need another one” the mother says.
“I need, mama. It is the same one that Ayush has. I want one too”
“Honey, first finish playing with your other toys and then we will come back to take this”, the mother assures.
Tears well up in his eyes. He stomps his feet and screams. “I want it now. Now, Now!”
The mother takes a deep breath, pauses for 5 seconds and says, “Look! what is there?” pointing towards the man with a bunch of colorful balloons.
As the child gets distracted, the mother quickly holds his hands and takes him there.
“You want them, honey?” she asks
“Yes. I like them” he squeaks sobbing.
“Here you go. Mama loves you.” She says handing him a bunch of balloons.
“I love you too, mama”, he says, smiling.
Balloons save the day!
For most parents, tantrums can lead to a small panic-like situation. You feel like in those 5 minutes, the sky is coming crashing out on you and this emergency has no escape. Relatable?
But we say, tantrums around the age of 2 are inevitable and can be a valuable learning tool for your child while simultaneously developing a connection point for your relationship.
But how?
Simple. If your child learns that he can trust you with his biggest, scariest feelings and bad meltdowns, it’s going to make it much easier for him to communicate with you in the future.
Tantrums are actually a big compliment, even if it doesn’t always feel that way!
It means that the child is accepting the no you just gave him and the tantrum is an expression of how he feels about it. He just wants you to pay attention to his feelings and empathize. The upset about the broken toy or not being allowed to play outside is just a pretext, and it’s love and connection that he really needs. Research shows that children who are given lots of support to manage big feelings when they’re young actually grow up to be children who can self-regulate more successfully than peers who have had a more authoritarian style of parenting. Hence, they know they can vent out their emotions and confide in you.
During their meltdowns, don’t talk too much but only offer reassurance and hugs. Let them get through the storm of their feelings without trying to stop or ‘fix’ them. Your child will soak up your unconditional acceptance and feel closer to you afterwards.
Calm yourself down and you’ll notice that you’re able to stay more present for your child. You’ll be able to empathize with their big emotions even if you were the person who set the boundary in the first place. Most importantly, you’ll be actively modeling the very thing you want your child to learn; self-regulating. Not minimizing but noticing, honoring and managing your own emotions.
Tantrums might even become less frequent or shorter because when you’re calm, your child is able to connect more into those feelings themselves.
You can keep repeating the following in your head to calm yourself-
- Tantrums are developmentally normal
- He is just communicating about the hard time he is having
- It’s just a meltdown and it’ll pass
- Whatever happens, I got this. I can handle it.
Even if the tantrums don’t change, the key thing is that you’ll FEEL differently about them and you will feel like you can manage them. After all, it is just a small bump in the road of parenting.
You’ll be a Zen master in no time.
Just be a partner during your little one’s big emotions!
Another insightful read: Why toddler tantrums are good and how to manage them