Imagine you are a teacher. In your class, there is a child who is brilliant in studies, exceptionally well in sports, has amazing theatrical skills but is temperamental, has a superiority complex, hits other kids while playing and never helps others to perform. Now there is another kid in the same class who is fair in studies, fine in sports and okay in enacting but an excellent communicator, pleasant-natured, empathetic towards others and always helps kids on stage. Whom will you choose for the lead role? You know the answer to that, isn’t it?
The world has been waking up to the importance of emotional intelligence (EI) or emotional quotient (EQ) over intelligence quotient (IQ). Even at career level, an individual with strong EQ is preferred over anyone with a strong IQ. Interestingly, since a person’s emotional development begins early on, it cannot be emphasized enough that parents should help to develop well-rounded emotional abilities of their children.
But before we learn how to do that, let’s understand what EQ really is.
EQ can be defined as the ability to identify, understand, and manage your own emotions to relieve stress, communicate effectively, empathize with others, overcome challenges, and defuse conflict.
Sadly, modern parenting revolves around making their kid a ‘topper’, getting ‘more marks’ and being ‘the best in sports and curriculars.’ A parent’s effort, time and energy mainly focuses on securing their child’s career prospects. With the advent of nuclear families and working parents with a single child in urban landscapes today, bringing up well-adjusted children has become even more of a challenge.
So what can parents do to raise an emotionally secure and sound child? That is what our central idea of discussion will be today. Take notes, parents.
“When our little people are overwhelmed by big emotions, it’s our job to share our calm and not join their chaos”- L.R. Krost
Positive responses and gestures
It is strongly encouraged that parents respond to their child right from the new born days- to those coos and babbles through similar gestures and love. When the baby cries, you lift him up and soothe him through caring words or lullabies. Responses don’t always have to be words. Holding his hand, a peck on the cheek at times, hugging as and when he needs are also ways of responding to your child’s needs. As the child gets older, keeping notes in his lunchbox, calming him through bad days and even saying “I am busy right now. I will speak to you as soon as I finish what I am doing” are essential and critical responses to make him emotionally secure.
Listen intently
In a world where we only hear to speak, listen to your child. Be heedful when your child babbles anything or stutters to tell you what he saw in the balcony. As he grows and goes to school, make sure you listen to how his day was once he gets home. You can also ask specific questions to help him describe his day: “Did you like the lunch I kept?” “What is the poem that you learnt today” or “What all games you played in the recess at daycare?” or “Have you noticed the bird nest outside the classroom? ” or anything that can make your child put his guards down and speak as much he likes, unfiltered. This way he knows that you support his emotions and he is safe being vulnerable around you.
Be a kind, empathetic role model to teach him the same
Whatever you do, your child is learning to do the same. Try to be kind and empathetic to everyone around you. This way, he knows these are good emotions and should be shown more often. Even when he is upset or down, try to be kind instead of taking the ‘highway or my way’ route. You can empathize like, “You couldn’t recollect what M stands for? It’s okay. Let’s help you learn again or “I know you want that sweet but first let’s finish the food together and we can then enjoy the dessert together” or “You have two candies and it would be amazing to have both but if you give one to your sister, she will feel better.” When you empathize with his feelings, you are also helping him learn to empathize with others.
Explain yourself to your child
Children are curious about the whys. While attempting to correct poor behaviour, always explain why. Avoid saying ‘no’ directly. Instead, explain so that they don’t repeat. “You should not throw the remote because it will break.” ‘No yelling and spanking’ should be the rule as these two accumulate bad emotions to pile up in children and normalize violent behaviour in the child’s psyche. Give them a good logical explanation of things you refuse and over time they will understand the whys.
Let his emotions flow but pull back as needed
A lot of unreasonable notions like “Men don’t cry” or “Women are not strong” can affect your child’s emotional development adversely. Break these notions by teaching them to not fit in such stereotypes right from their early days. Similarly, when you decide on boundaries, be firm so that the child realizes that there are rules that cannot be negotiated and he/she cannot get his way if he is being unreasonable. The tantrum and anger trail are inevitable but you have to stay firm to your decisions. A firm emotional foundation is based on a firm ground taken by the parent.
You could console yourself with the thought that your child will be a better-adjusted adult just because you were firm with him/her today!
Communication is key
The essence of human relationships lies in effective communication. Take your child to sit under the stars and talk about everything-his day at school, his favourite cartoon, his favourite game, if he wants to become an astronaut, doctor or pilot, share your childhood instances with him, talk about the animals or some news in simpler terms on T.V. Everything and anything! Make sure that if you do something wrong as a parent, you take a stand and apologize. There is nothing as powerful as when a parent apologizes to his or her child because the child realizes that his feelings are respected and that mistakes happen and it is important to accept and rectify the same. It is also important not to over-praise or over-criticize a child.
Be non-judgmental
Not all five fingers are the same. Similarly, not all children are the same. Don’t expect your child to be a topper too if he is excelling in sports or vice-versa. Don’t even expect them to be an all-rounder. Just let them be what they want without judging them for their choice. A child might be an introvert but might love talking about her beloved hobby, and another child could be self-centred but also very affectionate towards his family and friends. So do celebrate the individuality of each child. No one is perfect but by judging and fitting them in a mould, parents damage their emotional well-being unknowingly. Avoid it at any cost.
All that is required is to try and smoothen the rough edges of their personalities and not to transform them into impossibly perfect Stepford children.
Negotiate to reach a common ground
Negotiation and compromise are the backbone of any working adult relationship. Over point of differences, reach a middle ground to show that his opinions and emotions are also important, respected and just and can be accommodated. Say things like “You finish your homework and then we can go out to have that ice-cream” or “You clean up this mess and we’ll watch the movie you were talking about”
“Emotions of children are begging to be mothered or fathered. They do not want to hear that they shouldn’t be as they are; that they need to be different. They want to be given the permission to be how they are. They want to be loved exactly as they are”
Hope this helps. Happy parenting! ☺