It’s always said that ‘saving the last bite’ for someone is the warmest thing you can do for the people you love.
The other day, 2 kids returning from their day-care gave us the ‘goodie-vibes’ and made us go aww as one of them holding his little umbrella also gave shelter to the other as the two walked home in a heavy downpour.
Don’t such acts of selflessness and that too coming from kids who are our future restore our faith in humanity all over again?
Regularly, an elder sibling saving the last slice of pizza for baby brother or a daughter saving her favourite cereal to share along with dad, there are many households who believe in the concept of sharing and teach their children the same right from early days. Cute, isn’t it?
Why do parents wish to imbibe such values in their kids?
As adults we want to be helpful as we are conscious and aware of both the needs and the desires of others along with our own. We share because it gives us a sense of righteousness and is an act of empathy and hence, we feel like we must teach ‘right values’ of sharing to our kids too from an early age hoping that they learn to not be greedy, possessive and mean adults but caring individuals.
But teaching a toddler to share is challenging. Why?
The other day, we saw two toddlers quarrelling in the park. Reason?
Well, the child’s toy car was taken by the other toddler and called ‘his.’ In fact, the latter wouldn’t even let any other kid touch his own toys. So basically for him, what’s yours is mine and what’s mine is mine worked like a boss! Uh-Oh!
Not just because it’s human nature to want to keep the things we love and like but because it’s also not really developmentally appropriate for a young child, at two or even three. Also, children ply by the rule of attraction. If it pleases the eyes, they want it and wish to keep it. They grow pretty possessive about their stuff or people. While this may look developmentally appropriate for a child as young as two or three, but as a growing individual who is being taught the right things, it can be a roadblock to the very concept of ‘teach sharing’
Children between the ages of 2-4 don’t understand, know the meaning of, or really care about sharing when an item is simply “up-for-grabs” and the idea of ownership isn’t understood.
Parents who understandably want to teach moral values of sharing to their toddlers however need to understand that natural sharing happens through developmentally appropriate phases, age and via interaction with other kids. This is because sharing requires emotional understanding and that only develops with time and practice.
The science behind sharing
Research says that the struggles over possessions happen by the age of 3 however, the kids that will scream for their own things are also the most likely to share. This is because they’re starting to understand ownership both for themselves and for others. If they know something is truly theirs, they understand the item is not permanently relocating; rather, it’s just being shared for a short time. This is also the age when a children start demanding that something is “mine” or “yours” and also begin to take in the idea that a toy belongs to someone and therefore seemingly has a rule associated with it.
“Other-oriented sharing” also happens by the age of 2-3 and mostly in the backdrop that the child doesn’t have to lose something of his or give it up to someone else but either divide the object/ item in concern or use it simultaneously with the other person. This happens in order to benefit the recipient and own self and is a matter of engagement and not ownership.
Ways to teach sharing to kids
You are the precedent
We have always reiterated that children mimic what they see. If they see you being helpful and empathetic towards people, they will repeat. “We have some food with us in the casserole but our co-passengers don’t. We can let them have some from ours, honey”
Such small moments of warmth are bound to leave a mark on the heart and soul of young kids and lead the way for future repetition
A sort of barter system is good.
When children trade what they like amongst each other for a short period of time, there is an idea that everyone gets to play or that everyone gets to eat. This way they get an idea to learn both the situations of giving and having.
Permissions first?
Here the idea is to teach your child that they can’t pick up anything they like and they could request the owner’s permission. This, however, usually isn’t developmentally appropriate until around ages 4-6 because of the understanding of time and patience. But parents can still begin teaching this with baby steps.
Everything shared is everything squared.
This can be done in the society/colony you live in where children could pool in their old toys for all children to play with. It will come under shared ownership and develop a sense of community sharing in young children. Everything shared is happiness squared.
Sometimes it’s ok to not share
Some things hold a special place in our heart and we don’t wish to share them. It could be that teddy bear or that first doll or the last piece of their favourite chocolate cake for your kids. Kids don’t have to share always if that doesn’t feel right. It’s okay and normal and they don’t have to. Don’t insist. Also for some things which are off limits, like that toy in the mall or that pudding in the store that your child might not need but is hell-bound to have it, you should make them understand that they can’t have it. “Honey, that belongs to the Shop uncle and he doesn’t want to share” or “toys don’t want to leave their friends so let them be in the shop only”
While it is undeniable that children who have a habit of sharing grow up to become big-hearted, responsible and empathetic individuals who spread joy all over, as stated previously, please don’t force it as a habit. Just let it be something natural and let it come from within over time.
We need to be understanding of the fact that what we do doesn’t have to be done necessarily by our kids as we have learned those skills over time and our children deserve that patience too. It is healthy and normal for our kids to not only NOT share but to also ease into the sharing process by trying to seek out a trade sometimes.
Sharing creates joy. Sharing is caring!