It was Ashu’s 3rd birthday and a riverside picnic trip was promised to him.
On the D-day, the weather was pleasant and the family set on the trip with Ashu being as playful as a kitten, continuously asking, “Mumma, have we reached there yet?”
As the family set foot and began to set up the tent, lightning flashed. Within a jiffy, heavy rains started to pour.
“Mumma, how will we celebrate now?”, Ashu squeaked in a sad voice. The family fetched all their belongings and ran back to the car, heading straight away to home.
All along the ride, Ashu looked outside the window with teary eyes. His mother, seeing him so sad, started planning ways to lift his mood in her mind. It was his birthday, after all.
Surprisingly, as they reached home, instead of bawling and complaining about a spoilt plan, Ashu ran to their garden shed and started setting up the tent himself. His tiny hands trying to set up the sticks were aided by his elder sister. Soon, his father joined. Seeing the entire family having a gala time doing garden camping, the happy mom was proud of her son’s problem-solving at such a tender age. She breathed a sigh of relief and realized that the failed plan was not bad after all. She brought his cake in the DIY tent made by him and lit a torch. Ashu enjoyed this home birthday much more!
During such moments of failed plans, parents often wonder as to how to make the most of the situation especially with their toddlers, who might not wait and understand but be right on the floor, whining and crying about it. But dear parents, such days are opportunities as they pay off when you teach your child the art of emotional regulation, working through understanding why something happened as it happened and learning to handle disappointments and figure out solutions at a young age.
While it looks like childhood is all fun, it isn’t exactly stress-free. Kids have to learn to overcome obstacles even as toddlers, take tests when they’re older, learn new information, change schools and neighborhoods if there’s a move, deal with bullies, and make new friends. Teaching our kids to be resilient helps them to cope with these changes and stresses that they encounter. Encourage them to bounce back from tough situations. Resiliency teaches kids to be problem solvers in the face of tough situations so they can find a good solution. In continuation to our blog The science behind developing resilience in kids.
Having said that, let’s quickly see the ways in which we can raise resilient, confident kids:
- Glass is half full or half empty? Well, it depends on you
Teach your child the art of optimism. What one might usually perceive as a failed birthday, the combined efforts of Ashu and family above made the best of the situation leading to an amazing one with loads of memories!
Tip: When your child is upset about something that didn’t happen, make them think upon what they can do instead of what they can’t in that situation. Shifting focus is important. If your child is easily disappointed or angered, try to show them a different perspective – a positive one. Don’t discredit their feelings but give them a better perspective.
- Welcome risks and teach them to solve and come out of it
The parentntal instinct of keeping your child safe is normal but overprotecting them keeps them from learning to be resilient. Give your kids age-appropriate freedoms to help them learn their limits and build their confidence.
For example, if you are at the park and your child wants to try sliding or go swinging that might look too big for it, let him/her try. She/he might just surprise you and herself. Of course, swimming pools, traffic intersections, cutting papers are not the risks you can allow.
Tip: Always watch your child when he/she is attempting something new or in a new setup. You can always set demarcations about safe and unsafe risks for your toddlers but let them try new experiences for sure.
- Replace ‘why’ questions with ‘how’ questions
“Why” questions aren’t helpful when teaching problem-solving skills. Most likely, your child won’t know “why” they did something at the tender age of 2-3 so they won’t know how to respond. Instead ask them “You left your cycle out with its chain derailed. How will you fix it?” Asking “how” questions will encourage them to figure out the answers they need on their own.
Tip: Whenever in a fix, let your child first answer as to how they will fix it before lending your helping hand. Instead of answering every question your child has, start using the phrase “I don’t know.” or “How can we find the answer to that together?” Using these phrases will help your child to learn to accept uncertainty and think about how they can deal with challenges.
- Don’t accommodate their every need.
Letting your child struggle and fail is actually an important life skill they should encounter before growing up. Overprotecting a child can fuel anxieties because they tend to become afraid of the unknown even more. Help them understand the bigger picture as to how failures give us the opportunity to rectify our shortcomings and grow stronger.
Tip: Be real with them. Tell your 4-year-old that this is the plan, but if it didn’t pan out, it was not in our control to fix it and that failure can be used to create something better. Just like Ashu.
- Let them err
Failure is delay, not defeat. It is a temporary detour, not a dead end. It’s a great place to start learning what doesn’t work. Letting kids make mistakes can be painful for parents. But it helps your child learn how to fix problems, be resilient and learn from it to make better choices the next time.
Tip: Deeply inculcate an attitude of ‘starting over fresh with all your might’ in your child. This can be done by making them watch good movies with such lessons like The Lion King, Zootopia, The Pursuit of Happyness etc. or via sand games where castles were broken to be rebuilt better.
To fight for a change tomorrow, we need to build resilience in our children today.
Happy parenting!