Meher’s every morning had the same routine. Getting her 8 and 4 year old ready for school and daycare respectively before leaving for work herself drained her like anything. The kids delayed the shower and breakfast and spent too long with their toys. They preferred to hide behind the sofa over getting to school and daycare on time. Most of the time, it got Meher late for her work.
Despite telling the kids over and over, she was unable to set boundaries for them about the acceptable behavior without losing her temper. Probably, she needed something more. But what?
Continuing from our previous blog “No, Stop, Wait!”-Why children need boundaries, today we are going to address how parents like Meher, who have a tough time setting boundaries for their kids, can benefit.
We have already established that boundary setting is not about controlling our kids but about helping them learn how to stay within certain limits and not to stray outside for their own safety. Following the crowd is not always the right option and hopefully through firm, loving parenting we can help our children make positive choices for themselves.
According to research, the best parent and child relationships are those where parents enforce few basic rules successfully. The children who have very permissive parents or hundreds of rules to follow, are most likely to lie about what they do.
Pro parenting tip for the day-“When the parent has lost control, the child has gained it.”
Authoritative style of parenting
Here, the parents set firm boundaries with reasons for their kids. They tell them the whats, whys and hows of the boundary, negotiate its rules to a safe level with the kid and at the same time, elucidate the consequences of not living up to it. Parents who create an environment with firm rules and consistent consequences generally tend to raise kids who understand what rules are and why they’re in place. If a child breaks a rule, they understand that it’s their decision and are prepared for the resulting consequence. Amongst all parenting styles, this one seems best for setting boundaries by researchers. Key points to remember here are
- Understanding the fine line between discipline and punishment: Punishment is an order while discipline is education about knowing consequences. It is wiser to say “You didn’t sleep by 10 today? Well, you will miss out the fun 6am dance session in the morning now. Your loss” than saying “You didn’t sleep by 10 today? Go stand in a corner with your hands raised”
- Being firm yet loving: Kids need boundaries—without them they lose their way. But they should be made to understand them with love, understanding and kindness. They don’t have to do it out of fear or just for the sake of it if they understand the consequences.
- Not letting your emotions make the most of you: Kids can make you angry easily but never act in your anger. Give yourself time to come back to normal and then talk to them about what pissed you off and where the boundary was crossed. Kids internalize tone of voice and expression more than most parents realize. They will be more likely to respect rules and their consequences if they feel their parents are speaking to them with love, respect and kindness.
A mother accounts her experience about a time when she was asking her child to drop a twig which he was using to scratch their car but he just won’t listen! So she took control and eventually, the child handed over the twig to her. The twig was exciting and fun to him but she realized that by gently taking control, she saved him from a choice of keep scratching or letting it go. Although, he knew what was expected of him and not doing so would get him in trouble. For a toddler, he lacked the will power to put it down and wanted his mother to take charge and save him. For her, to be able to resolve situations like this so smoothly with confidence and respect was liberating.
Setting healthy boundaries: How to do it
- With Love
Tell your child that hitting anyone is totally off limits with love instead of a strict, angry tone. Explain to them why it is bad and what the consequences can be. They respond to an environment laden with love and logic better than severity. Praise and cuddles often work far better than the ‘harsh step’
- A true pictorial representation
Parents can note down basic limits or rules that their kids need to follow and make simple illustrations out of it. Place them on the fridge, door as a reminder to the kid about what not to do. A ‘No sign’ on the knife image, ‘No sign’ on the TV after 10pm and so on can help remind them of the rules occasionally.
- Balancing freedom and restraint
So when your child is playing an hour extra than the stipulated time, you can give him freedom once or twice by pointing that out. “Honey, you have been playing extra hours from the past two days. Tell me, is that what we decided?” The child knows that he has overstepped and will be cautious the next time while respecting the freedom you gave. However, if he repeats it the next day, tell him that he won’t get to watch his favourite cartoon, or get his ice-cream as he didn’t live up to the ground rules. And be firm on your ground.
- Tell them the harsh realities and consequences openly.
“If you talk to random strangers, they might take you far to dark places, away from mumma. You don’t want that. Right, honey?” Let them know the consequences for following the ground rules and the consequences for not following them. Following means great times and freedom for your children. Not following can result in a range of negative outcomes-not getting a favourite dish, less time to play, hurting themselves, missing important events etc. As you move forward, resign from nagging. It’s tempting to remind our kids over and over to behave. But nagging without a consequence is useless. It simply trains them to ignore you until you give up or blow up.
We are hopeful that these ways will help you ☺
To conclude, we are sure that you must have understood that our children not only need the boundaries we offer them, they actually crave them. Just sometimes, our kids will even be so wise as to let us know.
However, do keep in mind that most times, parents have to struggle and initiate enforcement of boundaries themselves. In any case, use your love and concern for them to grab chances to set limits around them and fortify your heart forever for all the many moments you’ll feel reticent, uneasy, tentative, doubtful, torn, or afraid to stop your child to say some version of no when yes feels so much easier.
Live by the golden rule: Children need boundaries, they crave them, and it gives them joy to know you will deliver them.
“Lack of discipline is not kindness, it is neglect.”