Most often parents do certain things unknowingly.
“My son peed his pants today. Can you believe it?” ridiculed a mother at a function.
“My daughter failed in her art exam. Is it even possible to fail in arts?” exclaimed a disgusted father amongst his friends.
Parents so often resort to shaming kids when they misbehave or do not do as expected of them without understanding the long term repercussions of it.
To shame someone is to put them down. It’s to crush their heart and make them feel ‘less’ in the moment. Most literally, if we descriptively define what it actually means to use our words to shame another person, it is to inhibit, humiliate, embarrass, degrade, crush, and wither their very soul.
Just imagine what such harsh words do to the soft hearts of kids at such a tender age!
Well, don’t get us wrong here. We don’t wish to convey that parents do it intentionally or are wrong. They probably feel that revealing the so-called ‘faults’ of their children in front of an audience is a way for the child to feel the shame and not repeat. Traditionally, parents have used this to discipline kids however, this leaves scars on the tender minds of children that they live with life-long.
Hello parents! Modern parenting wants to tell you a different story.
What does it mean to reclaim discipline without shame? It means to turn each of those words around into their antonyms.
It makes use of the following words: Encourage, Explain and acknowledge, Calm and Comfort, Help, Mend, Grow and strengthen.
This is called positive discipline.
Highlighting the fascinating link between a child’s neurological development and the way a parent reacts to misbehavior, No-Drama Discipline or positive discipline provides an effective, compassionate road map for dealing with tantrums, tensions, and tears—without causing a scene.
Dear parents, it is very much important to discipline our children early on in life positively. To build our kids up in preparation for the future, it is imperative that they have a strong foundation, that they can have a place they can turn to for encouragement and to know that their confused mistakes will be explained. That they will be acknowledged as a human and not placed on a pedestal of ridicule. By adopting positive discipline, the cycle of negative behavior (and punishment) is essentially brought to a halt, as problem solving becomes a win-win situation.
How can parenting without shaming kids when they’re wrong even work?
The precise answer is by drawing our kids in instead of pushing them away. We can highlight a need for change in a teaching opportunity, but the moment we smear their noses in a mistake, the fight or flight instinct takes over — and the parent-child relationship ruins. No one wins that battle.
Thinking about it feels like the default in discipline is shaming, which doesn’t get parents to their end goals. At the core, we want our kids to feel remorse for what they have done. But remorse isn’t shame. Remorse is having a feeling of repentance or regret while shame is “a painful feeling of humiliation or distress”.
While we can’t protect our kids from feeling negative emotions, we can be diligent about creating a place of wise, gentle counsel when we discipline. Empowering our kids when they fail is the first step to discipline without shame.
The idea of having your kids disciplined may seem far-fetched but it is possible. When children know what is expected of them and you hold them accountable for their actions, they’ll behave better. Start teaching your kids self-discipline as young as the toddler years and reap the benefits as they get older. But of course, start at whatever age you’re currently through enjoying.
In the next blog Tackling the ultimate parenting challenge of discipline, we will be discussing some practical tips to actually inculcate discipline in kids early on without using the ‘d’ word in front of them.
Stay tuned and keep reading!