If we ask you what is one of the most challenging parts of raising a toddler, then it would most likely be their tantrums. child might just throw himself to the floor and scream for what feels like ages while you have no idea what to do when he does this as nothing seems to work!
To understand a response like this from your kids, you need to get under the skin of such behavior.
The science behind tantrums
As the physical abilities of a toddler- walking, climbing and grabbing gets better than before, the world becomes much more exciting for them. Unfortunately, their ability to communicate their wishes and intentions isn’t as developed as their physical capacities.
This often leads to a crabby toddler who can’t understand why you are trying to stop him doing something or trying to make him do something that he has no interest in doing, i.e. leaving that ball and get to bed.
Result? You earned a tantrum.
Due to their immature emotional and cognitive development, the toddler’s brain can become easily overwhelmed. They enter a physiological state known as flight or fight when they feel emotions like anger or upset or physical sensations like hunger or tiredness but are unable to interpret them or manage them appropriately Their body is flooded with stress hormones and a tantrum is simply a physical manifestation of the release of all of this stress.
However, as hard as it might be to digest the idea but toddler tantrums are an important part of our child’s emotional health and well-being. Here are some important reasons why your toddler’s tantrum is actually a good thing for him.
1. Letting out and crying is good
Tears contain cortisol, the stress hormone. When we cry, we are literally releasing stress from our bodies. Tears have also been found to lower blood pressure and improve emotional well-being, provided there’s a loved one close for support. When a child is struggling and expressing their frustration via a tantrum, it helps them to clear their minds so they can learn something new. As per experts, learning happens the best when the child is calm. So let the heavy rains and storm be out and wait for a rainbow!
2. A sound sleep
Thumb rule of a tantrum- Don’t suppress it. A child’s pent-up emotions bubble up when his brain is at rest and this causes a lot of breaks in the sleep. Allowing your child to get to the end of her tantrum improves her emotional well-being and may help her sleep soundly through the night.
3. Boundaries and a NO are healthy
More often than not, parents avoid saying NO fearing a tantrum from the toddler. But in the long run, saying ‘no’ gives your child clear boundaries about acceptable and unacceptable behavior which is healthy. Stand firm with limits while still offering, love, empathy, and hugs to your toddler. Read more about healthy boundaries here No Stop Wait and Limits and Boundaries
4. Channeling emotions in time
Children are innocent beings and easily express whatever they feel. Sometimes children’s emotions come out in other ways, such as aggression, having trouble sharing, or refusing to cooperate on simple tasks like getting dressed or brushing teeth. These are all common signs that your child is struggling with his emotions. Having a big tantrum helps your child release the feelings that can get in the way of his natural, cooperative self. So let your child have that mood-enhancing tantrum while her emotions still flow freely.
Tantrums from parent’s perspective
- Home is the training ground– If we look from the parent’s angle, toddler’s meltdowns are good because as per experts, the more we ask our children to ‘keep it together’ at home, the more the tension bottles up inside of them. The more we can find time and space to listen to our child’s feelings of upset at home, the fewer bottled-up feelings they’ll carry along with them on every excursion. Means, you both can enjoy peaceful outings and public appearances.
- Learning better parenting ways– Parenting can be a healing path for our own emotional challenges when we get support and a chance to be listened to ourselves. It can bring out our own childhood complexes and insecurities to surface as our parents may not have listened to our outbursts with empathy then. Our child’s upset can trigger memories of how we were treated, which we may not even be conscious of. And hence, tantrums from kids can help us reflect back and come up with better parenting and comforting for our kids.
How to manage toddler tantrums
- Understanding your child’s temperament- Know what he likes or dislikes, what make him angry or sad, what can trigger or calm him. Once you know this, you are better prepared to deal with the outburst. Instead of feeling frustrated and embarrassed which blocks your natural empathy you’ll be able to meet him at his level and stay connected which is where the real parenting magic happens.
- Prepare him in advance for a likely tantrum– Give a lot of cues that something is going to happen. An example of this would be getting on your coat and bag a couple of minutes before you help him with his, all the while telling him where it is that you are going.
- Set the mood light– We often forget as adults that children communicate far more by their behaviour than their spoken words and play is their preferred language. Sing, make things a game, be silly and put his trousers on your head so he can laugh. Often when we get trapped in a power struggle with our children one of the first things to disappear is our ability to be playful. An excited tone and facial expressions are good ideas.
- Stay calm yourself– Take deep breaths and after emotional moments with your child, take time to practice self-care. If you enter a state of flight or fight yourself, you’ll find it hard to be calm and think clearly. Talk with a friend, have a good laugh, and maybe have a cry yourself. Staying calm takes practice, but when we manage it, we are literally rewiring our brains to become calmer, more peaceful parents. It might help to remind yourself that tantrums are normal and that rather than doing this to annoy you, your son is having a hard time and feeling overwhelmed by his emotions. For more on staying calm, please check out our blog Big emotions for our little ones.
- Save it for later- Don’t try to communicate too much to your child during a tantrum as any logic you give doesn’t matter when he is upset. Let him know that you’re there when he’s ready. Until then, wait. Once the tantrum is over you can help your child to make a better choice or simple get on with your day. Remember a tantrum isn’t personal, it’s just a reflection of normal development, your child’s temperament and how his day is going.
Dear parents, it is obvious that we tend to feel like good parents when our toddlers are smiley and at ease rather than cribbing and screaming. But know that if your child learns that he can trust you with his biggest, scariest feelings and meltdowns during a tantrum, it’s going to form a deep bond between you two. Hence, embrace the goodness of tantrums as they are a chance to hit the bull’s eye in terms of your relationship with your kids.
For more ideas on how to manage toddler tantrums during transitions, check out our blog The winds and tantrums of Change: Easing transition for children
Goodluck!